Anguish

I was all prepared to write a cheery blog about Sammy being two months and tell everyone how his doctor appointment went. It got cancelled unexpectedly so expect it sometime next week. But there is something I would like to write about...

Yesterday, a friend of mine lost her mother to suicide. I have known her family since I was 8 years old. Both of my friend's parents worked with my Mom at Cumberland Chrysler Plymouth. I met Amanda at the company Christmas parties. I was also best friends with Amanda's cousin April. Both April's parents and Amanda's parents helped raise me. When three of us got into trouble I got punished...not by my Dad but I was punished becaused they were grounded and they were my best friends. Cathy, Amanda's Mom, also coached the softball team that were rivals with the team Erica played for so Amanda and I would switch sides and root for our sisters. Countless sleep overs and road trips. We were even roommates for one semester at UNCP. It has been five or six years since I have seen her or April. They were such a big part of my life that I still think of them all the time.

Cathy was a strong woman and a classic Southern lady...meaning you would not wanna mess with her! I am not ashamed to admit that I was scared of her! Ha! She was awesome! She was a hardcore Redskins fan! Unfortunately, she was also a Duke fan. When I came to see Angela's (Amanda's Sister) baby she made me cover up my UNC shirt to take a picture. Around 1999 she was diagnosed with MS and it was hard to see such a strong lady with this disease.

Now she is gone. I called my parents because they considered her a friend. I called some of Amanda's friends to let them know so they could pray for her. I asked some people to go to the funeral.

I cried. Mostly, I cried for Amanda and her sisters. I cried for April and her mom, Peggy, who was Cathy's sister. It is frustrating to be so far away from home when things like this happen. I want to be there with them. I want to hug them and let them cry. I want to cry with them. I can't imagine a woman as strong as Cathy believing she had no other option. That thought makes me sad. I even felt a little angry. If I am being honest...more than a little angry. That may seem terrible but it's one of the emotions I am feeling. I thought about a friend that had killed himself just a few days after he let me know he was excited to come to my wedding. It had broken my heart. I couldn't believe he could do that and wondered if he had thought about the people he left behind. I thought the same thing about Cathy. Didn't she realize how crushed Amanda would be? All of her daughters, her husband, her grandchildren, her sisters, her nieces, and her nephew. This is a family that is together practically every weekend and never spends a single holiday apart. How could she do that to them? I know she loved them so she must have been going through something that she didn't believe she could bare any longer. To know that she may have felt that way is just so...I can't even describe how that feels. There aren't even words for this! She left a note so at least they know why even though it can't possibly make it hurt any less.

I just read over this blog. It is kind of all over the place. I just wanted to write all my feelings down. I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe this is real. I love them so much. Those of you from NC know Amanda and April. Please pray for them. I can't imagine how hard this must be for them.

And to Cathy, I hope you find peace. I hope you know how much your family loved you. I hope you know that you were loved and admired by others. I am sorry I was always getting Amanda into trouble. Thank you for letting her continue to be my friend. I love you and I am sorry for how you must have been feeling. Love, Jean

One Month

This month has been one exhausting blurr. I didn't think it would be this difficult. I was always told you sleep when the baby does and newborns sleep for most of the day so I had no idea I would still be so tired. I really can't sleep everytime he does. I can only sleep until around 11am but he doesn't sleep much past 5am. In the afternoon is when he starts to settle down but by that time I cannot go back to sleep. Everything is piling up on me! Bills, laundry, and housework. It is driving me crazy. Even with all the "help" I have I cannot stay on top of things. I have found with few exceptions that when people say they want to help what they mean is they want to take your baby and do the only thing you want to do. They want to feed him, and change him, and hold him and they want you to go away. Taking care of him is the only thing I want to do so it has been a little frustrating.

Sammy has officially met all his grandparents and all of his cousins. He has met all of his aunts and all of his uncles except Nano who is on a mission. Sam's brother who lives in Utah and his family were here for Thanksgiving. My Dad and Kathy came for the first week of December. Kathy actually made all the meals and did the dishes. That was really nice. It was so good to see my Dad and it warmed my heart to see him with Sammy. Then I had Erica here for almost two weeks! She did whatever I asked. If I wanted her to feed him, she did. If I wanted her to just make the bottle so I could feed him, she did. Sammy would always just stare at her and smile. It was so tender. Then my Mom, Ray, Natascha, and Rusty came for Christmas. That was a bit stressful because my Mom would get offended or be sarcastic when I would give her instructions for Sammy. Erica left this morning and Sam has his two days off. After that I will be on my own. I have no idea how I am going to get my wife stuff done when I am so tired.



On Christmas day Sammy was one month old. Our pediatrician, whom we love, said, "At about six weeks they turn into humans and you figure you might as well keep em." He is so funny and is such a great doctor! He is retirement age and only practices because he wants to. Like I said, we love him! He talks medical talk since he knows Sam understands so I always feel like I really know what is going on. He was really supportive when I was trying to breastfeed and understanding when everything I tried to increase my milk supply didn't work. We have called twice with concerns and he has seen us within half an hour of our call. His office is two blocks from our appartment so that is great! His one month check up went well. Sammy lost 11oz within the first week because of not getting enough to eat. The doctor put him on formula for premature babies and infants of low birth weight because it has extra calories. He now weighs 8lbs 4oz. He has chubby cheeks and his legs aren't so bony. This is a picture of him getting his Hep B shot. I wasn't holding him because the nurse told me to lay him down. When she gave him the shot his eyes got big and his arms and legs all went flailing! It scared him so bad the poor little guy.



He is starting to focus and follow things with his eyes. When I talk and smile he is starting to smile back. He sometimes laughs while he is a sleep and it is the cutest thing. I haven't learned all of his cues but sometimes I guess right the first time and that feels good. I think I have his "I'm starving cry" down pat. That cry and the needing to be changed cry are so similar. I love his other cry. The cry I hear most is for his physical needs, hungry, wet, or tired. I love the cry when he just wants to be held. It let's me know there is really a soul or a person there not just a pooping, eating, energy sucking machine. :)

Redneck Roots

My Dad called his brother to let the family know that Sammy had finally come. He called my Uncle Earl. He told him that we had named him Samuel James. My Uncle had a little too much to drink that day and said, "Samuel Adams...I know that." My Dad knew he was too drunk to argue so he decided to call him in a few days and make sure he got the name right. He spoke to his other brother on Sunday and found out my Uncle Earl had already spread the word. My Uncle Jason said, "So the baby's name is not Samuel Adams??" LOL So embarrasing but all I can do is laugh.

A Baby Story...the details

When I was in college I lived in the dorms of Belk Hall. Meghan was on the same floor as me. She watched TLC's A Baby Story every chance she got! lol Thus my title and here we go!

Tuesday, November 24, still no baby. I had a doctor appointment at 8:50am. I was going to go in there...scream...cry...who are we kidding I was gonna do both until someone agreed to induce me! I told my doctor how awful I felt and expressed my desire to be induced as soon as possible. He agreed to Friday November 26th. I was thrilled! So I had to have an ultrasound and a NST then the nurse would set everything up. Ultrasound showed that my fluid was a 7.7 but she said they were looking for it to be between 8 and 25. While I am waiting for the NST the doctor comes up to me. "Elizabeth, we want you to head over to the hospital." WHAT?! He began again, "Yes, go home and get your bag and go to the Hospital. They are expecting you." He repeated himself but it was like he wasn't speaking English. I was reaching for my phone so I could catch Sam before he started his surgeries. The doctor explained that my fluids were too low and he wanted to monitor me over night and induce me early Wednesday morning.

I called Sam and in as calm a voice as I could muster I said, "Sweetheart, the doctor wants me to go to the hospital." He sounded like someone had smacked him in the face! After I explained that I was not in labor we agreed to meet at the apartment and head over together. When Sam got home he ran around in a panic asking me a zillion question even though I had already explained that I had packed my bag weeks ago and wasn't forgetting anything. At last we were ready...well after Sam jumped out of the already moving car to double check that he had locked the door we were ready. When I got to the hospital they were expecting me but didn't know why. The doctor that was there was the one that did not want to induce me so I thought she was going to send me home. They gave me another ultrasound, this time the fluid levels read at a 5. So they gave me some medicine to start dialation and mild contractions. They were mild too, Sam and I watched TV and were very excited to watch the contractions on the monitor. "Ooh, that was a big one!" (Little did I know that it was NOT a big one!) After 10 hours they checked me. I had not dialated at all, not even a little. They would have to start again. I started to cry and my whole body ached! I had never had cramps for that long without taking medicine to stop the pain. They gave me another and said they'd check it in 8 hours. It fell out after 5 and they checked but there still wasn't the slightest change. They decided to give me the whopper drugs! These contractions felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The nurse told me to take deep slow breaths but the pain was so bad I felt like I could not breath! After a few hours on that medcine they checked me and yet again...no change. I was too drained to even cry. I was immediately falling asleep after each contraction only to be ripped from sleep a minute later. The contractions were back to back. They had given me something to take the edge off of it but I finally heard those glorious words...epidural! The anesthesiologist came in and Sam held me while I got it because I had two contractions while he was giving it to me and wasn't supposed to move.

After it kicked in everyone around me started moving fast and talking even faster. The baby's heart rate and my heart rate both dropped after the epidural and before I could even ask I was being wheeled in for a c section. Everyone was in such a rush that it made me ask if I was going to be ok. As soon as I spoke someone would get calm and reassure me but with everyone else scrambling around them I didn't know what to think. I kept asking for Sam and they told me he was changing. When he got to my side he looked upset. I asked if he was ok and he shook his head no. I saw a couple of tears so I knew he was worried. "Ok we have a hand." Then I heard him cry which made me cry. Finally, he was here. It was the sweetest sound I have ever heard.

I wish I could say that everything was perfect from then on...it wasn't! I held Sammy for less than a minute and they took him. I told Sam to stay with him. So my baby and my husband were both gone. I was all alone. Then they moved me into a dark room where I sat for two hours. It was depressing. When I finally got back to my room I was so angry. Three different nurses were talking to me but none telling me what I wanted to hear. I just kept asking, "Where is my husband?! Can someone bring me my baby?!" Three hours after he was born sammy was finally in my arms. I only know of one friend that had a c section and I don't know how it compares to a normal delivery but I hated it. I could barely move. I couldn't get up on my own and couldn't even change Sammy's diapers for the first day. I just sat there as everyone walked around happy and pain free. It was really hard for me. They usually release you 3 days after a c section. The first thing I told my doctor was I wanted to go home. I got to go home a day earlier than usual. Now I am happy! Now I can change his diapers and now I can give him a bath. Every nurse and family member has an opinion but now that we are home I can do things the way I want. So I know I look like total crap because I sure as heck felt that way but this is our first picture together.