7 months

What can I say about this handsome little guy?! He steals my heart over and over. He turned seven months old a few days ago. He is crawling all over the place. He is pulling himself up. He wants to stand and he wants to walk. Needless to say, I am exhausted! I have set up a play fort in our living room that can barely hold him in. I so wish I had a padded room he could go wild in. This kid is fearless!

He took his first plane ride! That was an adventure! Travelling without Sam was so tough. So many people helped me and offered to help but I still wish Sam had come with us. We are here at Erica's and are having so much fun. Erica has way more room for him to play so he has rug burns on his knees from exploring. Bless his heart, I had to go buy him pants to protect his little knees. He is having so much fun playing with his Aunt Erica and chasing Mickey around. She is giving him daily "Too Soons" to keep him from growing. Tomorrow his Aunt Ivy will be baby sitting him while Erica and I see Eclipse. On Wednesday, we are going to visit Aunt Nancy and Uncle Felipe. We have a play date scheduled with his cousin. I am so excited because he loves being around other kids. Last time he saw his cousins he was only a week old.

On a kind of personal/spiritual note...I had a moment a few weeks ago that brought me to tears. I was playing with Sammy. He was laughing so hard that it was making me laugh. I was crawling after him and he was squealing with delight as he crawled as fast as he could. He doesn't understand this chase game quite yet. Sometimes he crawls towards me and just screams. LOL Sometimes he sits up and flaps his arms and just laughs. Anyway, this time he had gotten it right and was crawling away from me. I crawled to him and scooped him up. He was laughing so hard his face was red. I was looking at him and trying to memorize everything. I got this warm feeling and the thought came to my mind that Sammy felt safe and that all of Heavenly Father's children deserved that. All children deserve to have a mother and father who love each other and are committed to their family. It was such a special moment and I had to write it so I won't ever forget.

By the time he is eight months old he will have at least two more teeth. They are about to poke through any day now. :)

Motivation Roller Coaster

I have been on millions of diets. I am one of those, "I'll start again on Monday" people. Back in March I had a break through and I started walking every single day and counting my calories. I was on the top of a huge hill in my motivation roller coaster. I lost ten pounds that month! Since then it has been a steady downhill slide.

I had a dream that I was a runner! I was on a shady path and there was a breeze. It felt amazing! I started doing the couch to 5K plan and I was pumped. Everything was going great and each time I completed a day I felt so proud. Last week, which was week 3, my knees started to be a little sore. Now it hurts to squat or crawl on the floor. I squatted down to get something out of a low cabinet and I could not get back up! Sammy has a play fort and I like to get down there and crawl and play around with him. Now it really hurts to do this.

Today reality smacked me in the face, my weight is keeping me from doing the things I want to do. I hate that! I am not going to be able to continue to run with my knees hurting like this. I am going to go to the doctor and get an exercise plan that will work for me. My motivation roller coaster has come to a complete stop. I am really discouraged!

Blah!

The good, the bad, and the uglies of me!

Every June I start to evaluate myself as a person. I do this with each new year but I do it again in June. On June 2, 1996 I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So every fast Sunday in June I bare my testimony as kind of a State of the Union between Heavenly Father and I. This year I wanted to write them down to get it all out. I don't intend to say most of this in my testimony just a little word vomit.

I wanted to talk a litte about what my "Natural Man" is like. I am very prideful! That is not me being humble about it either, I truly am prideful! My "Natural Man" is always right and knows it! I can be mean and even at times cruel. I am very quick whitted so I am great at arguing, and excellent at lying. I never forgive, I never forget, and I never apologize because I am never wrong. I also have a super hot temper as a result of the Rajin Cajun blood that runs through my veins. Yep, no patience whatsoever! These are not all of my natural man qualities but the most obvious ones.

At the same time I am none of those things, or I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to be.

A combination of my membership in the church, serving a mission, living and learning has changed me. That and a conscience that I developed somewhere along the way. I started trying to be better and when you think you are perfect changing can be a hard task. I learned to apologize which was a huge step because from the deepest depths of my soul I hated admitting I was wrong. Now if I am wrong I just want to admit it and apologize. It always makes me feel better to do so and even though it is always initially tough, because I still hate it, I am getting better at it every day. I can forgive and I can forget the wrongs done to me, and if I ever have trouble I remind myself of my not so perfectness to get over that bit of pride that is stopping me.

These weaknesses of mine are still so hard for me but Heavenly Father really helps me every day. I know that He is making me stronger even though I feel so incredibly weak. I have been battling my natural man for some time now and there are days when I want to give up and more often than not I stumble. I say within my heart, Jean, you are justified in being mad or not forgiving because you are right. I shutter to think of the cruel insults I can hurl at people in my mind. My ultimate goal is to be strong enough to apologize without having to swallow a gut wrenching urge to blurt out that I am right. I want to learn to forgive and forget without judging and without having to remind myself that I make mistakes too. I want to forgive because it is the right thing to do. I want to be able to control my temper and learn to communicate well. I want to be honest but always kind even in my thoughts of others. Of course, I need to stop being such a gossip too but I have enough I am trying to tackle at the moment.

I have so far to go but I really have come a long way. Wait...am I being prideful again? Hmm. I just say that because even though I still fall short daily I am actively working on it and repenting like crazy!!

Anyway, I wanted to say that I owe everything I am to Heavenly Father. He is changing me every day and it hurts something fierce!! I am grateful for the still small voice that whispers to me hundreds of times a day. "Jean, you need to stay calm. You are being impatient." "Think of what your actions are saying about you." "It doesn't matter that you are right, apologize and end this argument because you love him."-LOL Oh I do love my husband. "That person is a child of God." "What you are thinking right now is very cruel." "Stand up for what is right." Millions of thoughts race through my head when the good in me is battling the bad. I once said that I was 50% good and 50% bad and I could go either way at any moment. That is a true statement! I don't know how Heavenly Father with his billions of children spends all day working on me but I know he is always there!

There is a great comfort in knowing that Christ knows every thing about me and still loves me. He is a friend that I cannot lie to even when I lie to myself. He never turns His back on me and He never leads me a stray. I know He lives. He knows my name. I know he died for me. I know He is involved and aware of even the smallest details of my life. I know that in spite of my many, and I do mean many, faults I know that if I were face to face with him today that He would look on me with love in His eyes. I know that he has forgiven me and continues to do so. He and I have no secrets and I cherish my relationship with Him and my Father in Heaven.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27

That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do. Not that the task has changed but our ability to do the task is increased. Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)