Anguish

I was all prepared to write a cheery blog about Sammy being two months and tell everyone how his doctor appointment went. It got cancelled unexpectedly so expect it sometime next week. But there is something I would like to write about...

Yesterday, a friend of mine lost her mother to suicide. I have known her family since I was 8 years old. Both of my friend's parents worked with my Mom at Cumberland Chrysler Plymouth. I met Amanda at the company Christmas parties. I was also best friends with Amanda's cousin April. Both April's parents and Amanda's parents helped raise me. When three of us got into trouble I got punished...not by my Dad but I was punished becaused they were grounded and they were my best friends. Cathy, Amanda's Mom, also coached the softball team that were rivals with the team Erica played for so Amanda and I would switch sides and root for our sisters. Countless sleep overs and road trips. We were even roommates for one semester at UNCP. It has been five or six years since I have seen her or April. They were such a big part of my life that I still think of them all the time.

Cathy was a strong woman and a classic Southern lady...meaning you would not wanna mess with her! I am not ashamed to admit that I was scared of her! Ha! She was awesome! She was a hardcore Redskins fan! Unfortunately, she was also a Duke fan. When I came to see Angela's (Amanda's Sister) baby she made me cover up my UNC shirt to take a picture. Around 1999 she was diagnosed with MS and it was hard to see such a strong lady with this disease.

Now she is gone. I called my parents because they considered her a friend. I called some of Amanda's friends to let them know so they could pray for her. I asked some people to go to the funeral.

I cried. Mostly, I cried for Amanda and her sisters. I cried for April and her mom, Peggy, who was Cathy's sister. It is frustrating to be so far away from home when things like this happen. I want to be there with them. I want to hug them and let them cry. I want to cry with them. I can't imagine a woman as strong as Cathy believing she had no other option. That thought makes me sad. I even felt a little angry. If I am being honest...more than a little angry. That may seem terrible but it's one of the emotions I am feeling. I thought about a friend that had killed himself just a few days after he let me know he was excited to come to my wedding. It had broken my heart. I couldn't believe he could do that and wondered if he had thought about the people he left behind. I thought the same thing about Cathy. Didn't she realize how crushed Amanda would be? All of her daughters, her husband, her grandchildren, her sisters, her nieces, and her nephew. This is a family that is together practically every weekend and never spends a single holiday apart. How could she do that to them? I know she loved them so she must have been going through something that she didn't believe she could bare any longer. To know that she may have felt that way is just so...I can't even describe how that feels. There aren't even words for this! She left a note so at least they know why even though it can't possibly make it hurt any less.

I just read over this blog. It is kind of all over the place. I just wanted to write all my feelings down. I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe this is real. I love them so much. Those of you from NC know Amanda and April. Please pray for them. I can't imagine how hard this must be for them.

And to Cathy, I hope you find peace. I hope you know how much your family loved you. I hope you know that you were loved and admired by others. I am sorry I was always getting Amanda into trouble. Thank you for letting her continue to be my friend. I love you and I am sorry for how you must have been feeling. Love, Jean

Music

I am not too much of a music person. Erica sends me CDs which she titles, "Keeping you in the know." They are all great and some of them I end up only hearing on the radio years after Erica has already introduced it to me. I pretty much consider her an authority on good music. I make sure I program any country station I can find so I won't forget my roots. I sent Erica the country version of "Keeping you in the know." Anyways, I am not in anyway an expert. There are people in this world who are and they find the perfect songs to put behind an emotional scene. They can make a love scene more romantic and an action scene more...action-y. lol Of course they can make a sad scene rip your insides out. This song is currently breaking my heart.

In the Deep by Bird York
Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep...

Those you left behind...

Those you left behind are still here. Some of them are so confused by what you did. One of them wakes up every night and reads the last letter you wrote him every day. He keeps it on his desk under his candy jar. I turned away when he tried to show me. One of them is angry that you gave up. She wonders where exactly you are and if you are really at peace. Some you left behind are still in shock while others aren't. The women talk about how handsome you were, the chip and dale thing comes up and we all giggle about it. One of them drives by the church everyday and wonders which side of the parking lot you were on. I wish I could drive past without thinking about it. One of them saw you in the mall and wishes she would have stop and talked to you. One of them can't let it go. One said the world was a better place when you were in it and I agreed. A few have said there were things they could have done and wonder if you'd still be here. One of them is milking it and others are mad about that. One of them mentioned your cologne and I can still smell it. One of them wishes he'd made you go on that trip with him. Most of them knew you were sad and now wonder just how sad you were. Some of them can't stop asking me about it. All of them believe you were meant for so much more and talked about your wasted talent.

One of them needed to blog about it.

So here I am trying to be done with this. I feel a little bruised. I wanted to tell your family how much you meant to me and how much you taught me but I couldn't get it out. I wanted a moment alone with you but couldn't get to you. I can't bare to think of how sad you must have been. I hope you are finally able to rest. :) I just imagined how you would smile at me. You know I just adored you. Some times I would ask you for help when I didn't need it just to have your attention. I'll always have a big grin when I think about you. Then again, maybe I won't. I'm so mad at you. I'm sad that this is my last memory of you. I hated that I had to be the one to tell everybody. I hate that they all came to me and asked me what happened. I hate that they all asked me why. I want to end this with a happy peaceful thought but that's not how you left me! I'll miss you.

"For all sad words of tongue of tongue or pen, the saddest are these 'It might have been."

-John Greenleaf Whittier