Anguish

I was all prepared to write a cheery blog about Sammy being two months and tell everyone how his doctor appointment went. It got cancelled unexpectedly so expect it sometime next week. But there is something I would like to write about...

Yesterday, a friend of mine lost her mother to suicide. I have known her family since I was 8 years old. Both of my friend's parents worked with my Mom at Cumberland Chrysler Plymouth. I met Amanda at the company Christmas parties. I was also best friends with Amanda's cousin April. Both April's parents and Amanda's parents helped raise me. When three of us got into trouble I got punished...not by my Dad but I was punished becaused they were grounded and they were my best friends. Cathy, Amanda's Mom, also coached the softball team that were rivals with the team Erica played for so Amanda and I would switch sides and root for our sisters. Countless sleep overs and road trips. We were even roommates for one semester at UNCP. It has been five or six years since I have seen her or April. They were such a big part of my life that I still think of them all the time.

Cathy was a strong woman and a classic Southern lady...meaning you would not wanna mess with her! I am not ashamed to admit that I was scared of her! Ha! She was awesome! She was a hardcore Redskins fan! Unfortunately, she was also a Duke fan. When I came to see Angela's (Amanda's Sister) baby she made me cover up my UNC shirt to take a picture. Around 1999 she was diagnosed with MS and it was hard to see such a strong lady with this disease.

Now she is gone. I called my parents because they considered her a friend. I called some of Amanda's friends to let them know so they could pray for her. I asked some people to go to the funeral.

I cried. Mostly, I cried for Amanda and her sisters. I cried for April and her mom, Peggy, who was Cathy's sister. It is frustrating to be so far away from home when things like this happen. I want to be there with them. I want to hug them and let them cry. I want to cry with them. I can't imagine a woman as strong as Cathy believing she had no other option. That thought makes me sad. I even felt a little angry. If I am being honest...more than a little angry. That may seem terrible but it's one of the emotions I am feeling. I thought about a friend that had killed himself just a few days after he let me know he was excited to come to my wedding. It had broken my heart. I couldn't believe he could do that and wondered if he had thought about the people he left behind. I thought the same thing about Cathy. Didn't she realize how crushed Amanda would be? All of her daughters, her husband, her grandchildren, her sisters, her nieces, and her nephew. This is a family that is together practically every weekend and never spends a single holiday apart. How could she do that to them? I know she loved them so she must have been going through something that she didn't believe she could bare any longer. To know that she may have felt that way is just so...I can't even describe how that feels. There aren't even words for this! She left a note so at least they know why even though it can't possibly make it hurt any less.

I just read over this blog. It is kind of all over the place. I just wanted to write all my feelings down. I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe this is real. I love them so much. Those of you from NC know Amanda and April. Please pray for them. I can't imagine how hard this must be for them.

And to Cathy, I hope you find peace. I hope you know how much your family loved you. I hope you know that you were loved and admired by others. I am sorry I was always getting Amanda into trouble. Thank you for letting her continue to be my friend. I love you and I am sorry for how you must have been feeling. Love, Jean

2008

What can I say, it was a great year! I started out the year living in Utah with Erica. I had a job that I loved, super awesome friends, and an amazing boyfriend. I saw some friends get married and some having babies. Watched the Tarheels have an awesome year then get crushed in the final four. I found some old friends, planned to attend my high school reunion and then decided to skip it. I lost a friend. I moved to California and couldn't bare to say goodbye to certain friends. I got a new last name and a license with a decent picture. I missed my sister everyday and became even more homesick for the south! Realized California is even worse than I thought. I found the people here are pretty much like Texans but way harder to understand because they love California. I got a new job in a business I would have never thought I'd work in. I even improved my fake laugh!

I have set a few resolutions like learning Spanish and having FHE every week. I am still trying to get all these wifey jobs down pat. I need to set a schedule so I can get everything done that I need to. I want to keep in touch better with the people that matter to me. For the past few years I have honestly thought that I have been a better person with each "Happy New Year" I shouted so I hope to keep going that way. The funny thing is that most of my dearest friends lived around me when I was the worst I've ever been. Now that I feel like I am a half way decent person y'all live so far away. I never thought I'd end up so far from home. I guess the adventure continues!!

Why Erica is my very best friend....

Erica sent me this card while I was on my mission. It is my absolute favorite card! It made me smile and then laugh because if you know her...I mean really know her, you can totally picture her doing this. She is that type of person to burst into song and not care what anyone thinks. She is by far the coolest chic I know. This card, even though it was packed away, has made us laugh every time we remember it. In a way, a totally cheesy way, it is symbolic of our friendship. A thought of her makes me want to burst into song. We are the absolute best of friends. I love her and she loves me! We have been close all of our lives. We have laughed, cried, played, fought, and been through everything together. We have screamed at each other and screamed beside each other at other people. Even though I am sure she is going to cry when she reads this just like I am crying right now I just wanna say (in our baby voice), "GIRL...I miss you all the day!!" I miss our discussions of life and watching tv with you and giving commentary on every single thing like we know it all...cause we do!! Just remember that Daddy is jealous cause he's not in the sister club!! AHHHHHHHH!!! LOL We are so flippin hilarious! I love you Peepa!

"Copper, you're my very best friend."

"And you're mine too Tod!"

"And we'll always be friends forever."

"Yeah, forever!"