The good, the bad, and the uglies of me!

Every June I start to evaluate myself as a person. I do this with each new year but I do it again in June. On June 2, 1996 I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So every fast Sunday in June I bare my testimony as kind of a State of the Union between Heavenly Father and I. This year I wanted to write them down to get it all out. I don't intend to say most of this in my testimony just a little word vomit.

I wanted to talk a litte about what my "Natural Man" is like. I am very prideful! That is not me being humble about it either, I truly am prideful! My "Natural Man" is always right and knows it! I can be mean and even at times cruel. I am very quick whitted so I am great at arguing, and excellent at lying. I never forgive, I never forget, and I never apologize because I am never wrong. I also have a super hot temper as a result of the Rajin Cajun blood that runs through my veins. Yep, no patience whatsoever! These are not all of my natural man qualities but the most obvious ones.

At the same time I am none of those things, or I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to be.

A combination of my membership in the church, serving a mission, living and learning has changed me. That and a conscience that I developed somewhere along the way. I started trying to be better and when you think you are perfect changing can be a hard task. I learned to apologize which was a huge step because from the deepest depths of my soul I hated admitting I was wrong. Now if I am wrong I just want to admit it and apologize. It always makes me feel better to do so and even though it is always initially tough, because I still hate it, I am getting better at it every day. I can forgive and I can forget the wrongs done to me, and if I ever have trouble I remind myself of my not so perfectness to get over that bit of pride that is stopping me.

These weaknesses of mine are still so hard for me but Heavenly Father really helps me every day. I know that He is making me stronger even though I feel so incredibly weak. I have been battling my natural man for some time now and there are days when I want to give up and more often than not I stumble. I say within my heart, Jean, you are justified in being mad or not forgiving because you are right. I shutter to think of the cruel insults I can hurl at people in my mind. My ultimate goal is to be strong enough to apologize without having to swallow a gut wrenching urge to blurt out that I am right. I want to learn to forgive and forget without judging and without having to remind myself that I make mistakes too. I want to forgive because it is the right thing to do. I want to be able to control my temper and learn to communicate well. I want to be honest but always kind even in my thoughts of others. Of course, I need to stop being such a gossip too but I have enough I am trying to tackle at the moment.

I have so far to go but I really have come a long way. Wait...am I being prideful again? Hmm. I just say that because even though I still fall short daily I am actively working on it and repenting like crazy!!

Anyway, I wanted to say that I owe everything I am to Heavenly Father. He is changing me every day and it hurts something fierce!! I am grateful for the still small voice that whispers to me hundreds of times a day. "Jean, you need to stay calm. You are being impatient." "Think of what your actions are saying about you." "It doesn't matter that you are right, apologize and end this argument because you love him."-LOL Oh I do love my husband. "That person is a child of God." "What you are thinking right now is very cruel." "Stand up for what is right." Millions of thoughts race through my head when the good in me is battling the bad. I once said that I was 50% good and 50% bad and I could go either way at any moment. That is a true statement! I don't know how Heavenly Father with his billions of children spends all day working on me but I know he is always there!

There is a great comfort in knowing that Christ knows every thing about me and still loves me. He is a friend that I cannot lie to even when I lie to myself. He never turns His back on me and He never leads me a stray. I know He lives. He knows my name. I know he died for me. I know He is involved and aware of even the smallest details of my life. I know that in spite of my many, and I do mean many, faults I know that if I were face to face with him today that He would look on me with love in His eyes. I know that he has forgiven me and continues to do so. He and I have no secrets and I cherish my relationship with Him and my Father in Heaven.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27

That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do. Not that the task has changed but our ability to do the task is increased. Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Six months

I missed posting his five month update. Time is flying! Here is how Sammy's day begins. He wakes up between 5 and 6 in the morning. He has a 4oz bottle and goes back to sleep until 7 or 8. I don't put him back in his room but I put him in the pack-n-play we keep in our room. When he wakes up he rolls around and laughs, squeals, and sings until Sam and I start laughing. Once we laugh he knows we are awake and wants to be taken somewhere else to play.



The rest of the day is pretty intense rolling and scooting around with his toys. He sleeps every two hours and eats every three to four hours. He has such a fun personality and he is a really good baby. He cut his first tooth on May 8th and the second one has just started poking out within the last two days. Today we let him try a bit of rice cereal. He also tried a little avocado and banana. Those are the things the doctor suggested we start with. The first time he ate it all but the second time he seemed to get very aggrivated and didn't eat too much.



I was carrying him into our room this morning and just thought to myself that he is growing too fast. I am so excited for every new thing that he learns but I just want him to stay my baby forever.

Two years

This is Sam and I on November 17th, 2007...the day we met. I was so nervous this day and really didn't think any thing would come from this. As a matter of fact the next day I text my friend Carrie how much I liked him, scale of 1 to 10, and I said 4! Sam and I had been doing the whole email/chat thing online for a few months before, as Sam says, I finally started paying attention to him. Now we were finally going on our first date. Our second date was at a dentist office when he held my hand through an emergency root canal. Honestly, I didn't want it to work out. He had a major strike against him, he lived in California. I am not like most people I guess because I have never had even the slightest desire to even visit the state of California let alone live here. It is one of my top three states I would never want to live, the other two being New York and Florida. Some of you are thinking I am nuts right now, like my friend Jess who loves NY and my step sister Natascha who loves FL!

Three months later we were engaged and three months after that we were married. It is always tough for me to learn to live with another person and this time a boy. Learning how to live together and communicate. We only dated for six months and were only in person together 3 times before we got married. We communicate in totally different ways. Also, I consider myself a difficult person to be around so I try to tone down the drama that is me. LOL Anyway, there are those silly things you don't think about before your married like how we fold our shirts differently. I am not saying that we are pros at being married now at the two year mark. We still work at it every day. Even when he makes me so mad I could spit fire I know in my heart there is no one else I would want driving me as crazy mad as he does. :) Most of our days we are just like two kids playing house. He is so much fun and makes me so happy that I forget that I am a grown up. I love it! I love him! It has been a blast!



This is us today on our two year anniversary. Sam thought it would be nice for us to get out of town. I consider this our first family vacation! We drove six hours north to Monterey, California to go to the aquarium. I really had no idea how much fun it would be. The aquarium was amazing! The ocean was so beautiful! The day was just absolutely perfect. After the aquarium we went down to the beach and walked around this little town. They had so many little shops and I found two great lighthouses to add to my collection. We even went to this mirror maze that was a lot of fun. Then our last stop was the Dennis the Menace playground. I know that Sam and I had more fun than Sammy did and the other adults started following our example. After we went down the slides we saw other parents start to do it. They knew they wanted to anyway.





Now I look to my left and my little Sammy is all tuckered out in his pack-n-play and to my right big Sammy has fallen asleep watching Animal Planet. Like I said, it was a perfect day. :)

Four months

Today Sammy had his four month check up. He is weighing in at a whopping 13.10 lbs and is 24 inches long which are both close to 50%. Dr. Ambrose said Sammy is growing beautifully and we of course completely agree. After all my questions it was time for his vaccines. Sam had to leave the room. LOL What a wuss! The nurse said it was the first time she's seen a Dad leave the room. One was given orally and he was not a big fan. He likes the taste of formula so this vaccine must have been super gross! Then two quick shots. He only cried a few minutes and we were all done.



We have decided that tonight is going to be his first night in his room. He has been sleeping through the night for two months now so there is really no reason why he shouldn't. He is a rolling over machine and my days are spent turning him back on his back after he tries unsuccessfully to scoot around on his belly. Diaper changes have turned into diaper chases! If I so much as look away to grab the butt cream when I turn back I'll see a nacked heiny trying to wiggle away!



He is such a happy little guy and he loves talking to his Auntie Erica on Skype and on the phone. When I put the phone to his ear and she talks his face lights up and he gets the biggest grin. On Skype he smiles and coos at the screen. Erica even watched Sammy on his playmat so I could do the dishes without checking on him every minute. Babysitting over skype, it was fun. I was just a few feet away though. My Dad watches Sammy on his playmat over Skype and got to see him roll over a few times.



This month Sammy has tried a jumper and a play saucer and he loves both of them. He has decided he needs to be up on his feet. When this kid learns to crawl...we are in trouble!